The dangers of fusion

More and more women are becoming pregnant solo. And to want to raise their child without "dad". An increasing phenomenon, therefore, which should under no circumstances be trivialized. The specialists are formal: everything can go very well, but on condition of being vigilant, because these mothers engage in a difficult adventure.

Getting out of isolation and giving way to a surrogate father

Tips for giving the best to the child and warnings to avoid excesses and missteps.

The right to know the truth.

"An exclusive relationship is dangerous for both the mother and the child," explains child psychiatrist Catherine Jousselme-Graindorge. "If the mother believes that she will be able to fulfill her child's desires and meet all her needs, she will inevitably face disappointing disappointments and disappointments. And it will probably, later, manage a sense of guilt heavy to bear ... As for the child, how can he not stifle, feel imprisoned, in this duet? The risk is also that it becomes tyrannical and that we are witnessing maternal exhaustion ... "The child-king syndrome or, worse, the confusion of the genres with these mothers who, by evoking their son, the Called "the man of my life" ... This fusional relationship can cause great damage in the construction of the identity of the child.

"It is essential that a third person intervene to avoid this stifling relationship, explains the child psychiatrist. This triangulation is vital, it will allow the child to breathe! ". The child needs cross-eyes. His mother must give him the opportunity to come into contact with paternal figures who can indirectly fill in the gaps he is going to suffer. An uncle, a friend, a companion, etc., someone who can symbolically represent a male representation and thus play the role of the surrogate father.

Again, the mother should not remain in this relationship of exclusivity with her child but, on the contrary, allow these people to help divide the paternal function.

It is necessary to get out of this isolation, and to appeal to the other adults (a nanny, the husband of the nanny, etc.). At the slightest doubt, in your choices, your decisions, help. Asking for the opinion of a pediatrician, a general practitioner, at first. But do not hesitate to call on a therapist, too, to be clear with yourself and save yourself many errors ...

Finally, open by going knocking at the doors of associations dedicated to single mothers. Document and enjoy the experience of others. You have everything to gain!

Growing up, your child will want to understand where he comes from. Why does not he have a dad? How to tell him? When? Which words to use? Call on a loved one or even a therapist if you do not feel strong enough to talk to your child. But you must offer him maximum clarity. He has the right to have access, in general outline, in any case, to the truth. The key is that he is convinced that it was desired.

Thanks to Catherine Jousselme-Graindorge, professor of child psychiatry in Paris XI, author of several books including "Understanding the sick child", Dunod Editions.

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