In your office, the complaints you have made concern mainly the sexual appetites of men and the feeling of misunderstanding of women. Can you specify?

Gender-aequo? Yes ... but identical? No, even though claiming the difference between the sexes at a time when the unisex mind dominates is very badly seen. Yet the psychiatrist Jean-Paul Mialet is formal: the differences between men and women are not mere cultural artefacts. Both mind and body are sexed. Admitting it could solve many misunderstandings.

You write that "living in a sexed body shapes a style of attentions different according to sex". What are these different styles, in the outline of course?

Jean-Paul Mialet: Men complain that women do not have the same sexual appetites. They are gladly "lacking" and have the feeling of begging. Women, on the other hand, complain of the excess of their demand. They seem to need the desire of man rather than enjoyment. And they have the impression that man ignores them. Orgasm, in the end, is not their major concern!

Are the desires of man and woman really so different?

Jean-Paul Mialet: Man has a body with a beautiful apparent organ, with which he very early enjoys playing. Eroticism is for him a game in which he introduces his sex and his partner, a woman. For the woman, it is not only her sex that is concerned but the whole of her body. She does not have fun with sex, she offers herself entirely. The triggers of desire testify to this profound difference in the erotic universe according to sex: for it, they are visual, whereas for it, they meet only in intimacy: they are odors, contact, caresses ....

According to you, the unisex mind would be an imposture, even from the point of view of love?

Jean-Paul Mialet: Yes, because eroticism with a visual base favors a distanced sexuality in man. It lends itself to scenarios, to erotic films, in short, to a world of fantasies. The woman can be inflamed by the mere presence of man, on condition that he is ardent and desiring. The eroticism of man is willingly self-erotic, while that of the woman is hetero erotic, it needs the context of the other. "It" is visual and distant, it is sensual and in relation. The misunderstanding comes from the fact that she feels more "objected" than desired in the context of a relationship.

Could the current crisis between the two sexes come from this lure around our equality?

Is it possible nevertheless to agree?

Jean-Paul Mialet: Recall that there are two very distinct components that constitute us and which are inscribed in us from birth. One is erotic, the other affective. The erotic need is a sexual need that responds to reproductive needs. The emotional need is what grips the infant to his mother: it manifests itself in a need for contact and tenderness. Love is the feeling we feel when we think we have found the partner who fills these two distinct components of the quest for others. However, the mixing of erotic desire and emotional needs is tricky. And men find it harder to achieve this mixture, while women hardly conceive of eroticism without the affective. In love, men feel willingly prisoners of women, and women threatened by the desires of men. This comes from the fact that women have remained in eroticism mixed with tender affection for the first months of life in Maman's arms, while men have learned to take charge of their pleasure and cling to Their "instrument" by dissociating voluptuousness from maternal solicitude.

Jean-Paul Mialet: In the name of equality we would like to erase differences, as if we were identical ... This only creates confusion. We believe that sexual behavior results from social determinants that arbitrarily divide the two sexes. It is a very abstract vision that does not take into account the different dispositions of men and women that I have just outlined. Denying our specificities makes the situation critical. Especially since our times exacerbate the sexuality of men by flattering their tastes for visual fantasies, in the pub, magazines cinema or on the Internet. This sexuality is presented as the norm, when in reality it is established according to essentially masculine norms to which women pretend to bend themselves.

Jean-Paul Mialet: Recognizing our differences, more than denying them, to begin with! Then man should realize that these desires are directed at lures if they are not supported by an affective partnership. He is not always aware of the importance of being satisfied in this field and must respond more to the woman's desire to be, more than an object of desire, a subject of attention. As for the woman, often lost in romantic fictions, she must recognize the importance of erotic connivance in order to feel united. The couple is a story that is created together, and proposes to produce to two, something that is above each partner, something that one would not have been able to do alone. "We" then takes precedence over "Me", without erasing it but enriching it. In the name of "We", men and women pay attention to one another and seek to understand one another.

Sex aequo. The misunderstanding of the sexes. Jean-Paul Mialet. Editions Albin Michel.